I have lived my entire adult life with what is called "impostor syndrome". A constant feeling of being a fraud, that my achievements are not my own, and that I will be exposed at any moment. This feeling has held me back and made me introverted. Like a pendulum, I have swung between believing in myself and feeling completely unsuccessful.
High Standards and the Path to Burnout
Early in my career, I began setting unreasonably high standards for myself. I strove for perfection in everything I did, whether it was large projects at work or small tasks in everyday life. Nothing less than the best was acceptable in my eyes. This constant pursuit of perfection often led me to work far beyond my own limits.
I particularly remember a project at work where I took on more than was reasonable. I wanted to prove to myself and others that I could deliver something extraordinary. Nights became shorter, stress increased, and my health began to suffer. Despite warning signs, I continued, driven by a fear of failing and being exposed as incompetent.
Eventually, I burned myself out. I felt empty, both physically and mentally. It was as if I had drained all my reserves and had nothing left to give. That's when I realized something needed to change.
Moving Aboard the Sailboat and Searching for Self
In an attempt to recover, I decided to make a radical change. I sold my house, packed up my belongings, and moved aboard a sailboat. The sea had always been a place where I felt calm, and I hoped the isolation would give me time and space to reflect.
Life on the boat was simple but challenging. Each day was filled with small chores that required my attention, but there were also long moments of stillness. It was during these times that I began a deep self-examination.
I started keeping a journal, something I hadn't done since I was young. I wrote about my fears, my dreams, and my past experiences. I forced myself to confront the feelings I had avoided for so long. It was painful but also liberating.
Reevaluating Failures and Lessons Learned
Through my reflections, I realized that many of my so-called failures were not failures at all. They were experiences, lessons that had shaped me into who I am today. I began to look at my past mistakes with new eyes. Instead of beating myself up over the past, I started to appreciate the wisdom I had gained.
I asked myself the question: "Will I fail again?" The answer was probably yes. But instead of letting that scare me, I realized that failures are a natural part of life. The important thing is not to avoid them at all costs but to learn from them and keep moving forward.
Prioritizing Self and Personal Well-being
One of the greatest insights I gained was the importance of prioritizing myself. I had spent so much time trying to live up to others' expectations that I had lost touch with my own needs and desires. I began setting boundaries, saying no when necessary, and taking time for self-care.
This was not an easy change. There was an inner voice telling me I was selfish, that I was betraying others. But I realized that to be there for others, I first needed to be there for myself.
Handling Criticism and Standing Firm in
Self-Knowledge
Previously, I had allowed criticism, even if it was unfounded or malicious, to deeply affect me. Every negative comment felt like a confirmation of my own insecurities. But through my journey, I learned to distinguish between constructive criticism and gossip.
I began to trust my own judgment and self-worth. When someone tried to bring me down, I could now stand strong and not let it affect me. I knew who I was, what I could do, and what I wanted. This self-awareness became a shield against negativity.
Ageism and the Value of Experience
As a senior, I have experienced what we call "ageism". Being dismissed or overlooked because of my age has been frustrating. But instead of letting it break me, I have realized that my knowledge and experience are invaluable. If others can't see that, it's their loss, not mine.
I have started engaging in mentorship, sharing my insights with younger generations. It has given me new meaning and joy. Seeing others grow and benefit from my experiences has been incredibly rewarding.
Finding My Spiritual Home in Bansko
During my time on the sailboat, I felt the need for a fixed point, a place where I could root myself and continue my personal development. I found that place in Bansko. There was something about the mountains, the air, and the people that spoke to my heart.
With a "Long-term" visa and my own address to a studio apartment, I can now settle there. Bansko became not just a physical place for me but also a symbol of my inner journey. Here, I can be myself, surrounded by love and acceptance.
Healing the Soul's Wounds
The open wounds in my soul, which were the last to heal, finally began to close. I could now look back on my anxiety and the unattainable demands I had placed on myself with compassion. I forgave myself for the past and accepted myself for who I was.
Meditation and mindfulness became important tools in this process. By being present in the moment, I could let go of old patterns and negative thoughts. Each day became an opportunity to start anew, to choose joy and gratitude.
Focusing on Results and Accepting the Journey
Today, it is the results and nothing else that count for me. I have learned that the path there can be winding and full of challenges, but it is part of the journey. Like a tram that takes us to our final stop, we cannot always control every stop along the way, but we can trust that we will arrive.
I have stopped self-criticism and self-effacing behavior. Instead, I choose to believe in myself, my knowledge, and my creativity. I see each day as an opportunity to create something new and to contribute in my own unique way.
Hereby, I Declare Myself Healed
With all this said, hereby, I declare myself healed! I have let go of old fears and limitations. I stand strong in my own identity and am ready to face the future with an open heart.
A Message to Others
If there is anything I wish to convey through my story, it is that we all have the power to change our lives. Impostor syndrome can feel overwhelming, but it does not define who we are. Through self-examination, self-acceptance, and courage, we can overcome our inner demons.
I encourage everyone who recognizes themselves in my story to take time for themselves. Dare to pause, reflect, and ask the hard questions. It is through this process that we can find true peace and happiness.
The Future: A Life Full of Opportunities
The future looks bright for me. I look forward to new adventures, new lessons, and new ways to grow. I know that life will continue to offer challenges, but I feel equipped to face them.
I plan to continue my work with mentorship, perhaps write a book about my experiences, and above all, enjoy every moment. Bansko will remain my home, a place where I always can return to recharge my batteries and find inspiration.
Conclusion
My journey has been anything but easy, but it has been necessary. By confronting my fears and working on myself, I have found an inner strength I didn't know I had. I hope my story can inspire others to do the same.
We live in a world where achievement is often measured in external successes, but the true victory lies in knowing oneself and being at peace with who one is. By embracing ourselves with all our flaws and strengths, we can live lives filled with meaning and joy.
Hereby, I conclude my story, but my journey continues. Each day is a new chapter, and I look forward to seeing where the road leads me next.
By Chris to my best and wonderful friend och girlfriend Boryana "Now & Then" Its al becuse of you!...
Add comment
Comments