We've all been there. A relative who hasn't seen you in years smiles warmly and says, "Oh, you look so much like your mom!" or an old friend comments, "You haven't changed a bit." These remarks are often meant as compliments or observations of familiar traits, but subtly, they reflect how others see us—and more importantly, how we are allowed to see ourselves.
This phenomenon extends into the workplace as well. Your boss might say something like, "You're so organized," even when you've been struggling all week to keep up with your schedule. Or you might hear, "You can handle that; you're so handy!" despite past failed attempts at similar tasks. These repeated comments can slowly shape our self-image, often without us even realizing it.
But is it always good to believe what others say about us? Are we letting others define our capabilities and our potential, sometimes at the expense of our own truth?
Living Other People's Truths
We are social beings, and we are shaped by our surroundings more than we often care to admit. Expectations from family, friends, and colleagues can be both supportive and damaging. It's easy to unconsciously start living up to the labels others place on us, and these labels in turn influence how we view ourselves. When we repeatedly hear that we are a certain way, we often begin to act accordingly—even if it contradicts our true personality or abilities.
Sometimes, these perceptions can be positive and motivating. You might see yourself as a creative person because people around you constantly point out your talent for thinking outside the box. But what happens when the traits attributed to you don't align with how you truly feel inside? When we rely too heavily on others' perceptions of us, we risk losing touch with our true identity.
I remember vividly one particular summer that became a turning point in my own understanding of this concept. I decided to climb two mountain peaks, something I’d always wanted to do but never dared attempt. When I shared my plans, people around me were quick to voice their doubts. "That’s impossible," they said. "You’re not experienced enough."
But this time, I made a conscious decision not to ask anyone’s opinion on whether I could do it. I just did it. Standing at the summit, breathless but exhilarated, I realized that this victory belonged solely to me. It wasn’t based on what someone said I could or couldn’t do. It was proof that I was capable, that I could set my own standards and exceed them. Had I not climbed those peaks, I would be standing here today with far less self-confidence. The climb was not just a physical achievement; it was a powerful lesson in the value of trusting myself over others’ judgments.
The Impact of Failure on Self-Confidence
Failures are a natural part of life and a crucial part of the learning process. But when we fail at something that others expect us to succeed in, especially when they've said we have "it in us," it can lead to a harmful cycle of self-doubt. Believing you're good at something based on others' comments rather than your own experiences can lead to disappointment when reality doesn't match up.
Every failure has the potential to damage our self-confidence, especially when we believed we should have succeeded. The internal dialogue quickly shifts from "I can do this" to "I'm not who I thought I was." And suddenly, an identity built on others' words can collapse like a house of cards.
When I reflect on the numerous attempts in my life that ended less successfully—those moments when I had believed I was good at something simply because others had told me so—I realize how misplaced those beliefs were. They were not based on my own understanding of my skills or my passion but on external validation. When those efforts failed, I didn't just feel that I had failed at a task; I felt that I had failed at being the person I was told I was. The disconnect between expectation and reality eroded my confidence.
This is where self-awareness plays a crucial role. Self-awareness is the ability to understand your own emotions, thoughts, and actions. It is built on deeper reflection of your own experiences, rather than solely on others' judgments of you. When we repeatedly fail because we act on a false self-image, it becomes increasingly difficult to maintain strong self-confidence.
The Trap of Self-Deception
We often lie to ourselves because we want to believe the picture that others paint of us. We conform to expectations and roles we never chose ourselves, continuing down a path even when our gut tells us otherwise. This self-deception can be deceptively comfortable—it’s easier to live up to others’ expectations than to question them.
But in the long run, living by a false self-image is unsustainable. It strains our mental health, confuses our self-perception, and can lead to a constant feeling of inadequacy. The longer we ignore our own voice, the more distant it becomes, until it is nothing more than a faint echo.
My experience climbing those mountain peaks was a powerful counterbalance to this trap of self-deception. It reminded me that the best way to understand my capabilities was to test them myself. I didn’t need anyone else’s permission or approval to take on a challenge. The climb was a concrete affirmation of my ability to set my own goals and achieve them, and it restored a sense of agency over my own life that I had almost forgotten.
It’s easy to think that self-confidence comes from hearing others tell us what we’re good at. But real confidence, I learned, comes from doing what you set out to do, even in the face of doubt. It’s built on small, personal victories that affirm your strengths and clarify your weaknesses—not on borrowed beliefs.
How to Break the Cycle
Regaining control over our self-image requires courage and time. It involves questioning why we believe certain things about ourselves. Is it because we have tested and experienced that it's true, or is it because we have heard it enough times?
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Reflection and Self-Awareness: Take time to reflect on your own strengths and weaknesses. What do you think you are good at, without anyone else telling you? Be honest with yourself and see failures as lessons rather than evidence of flaws.
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Set Boundaries for Others' Opinions: Allow yourself to question others' statements about you. Just because someone thinks something about you doesn't mean it’s true. Challenge the narrative that you have to be what others say you are.
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Experience Things on Your Own: Dare to try new things and form your own opinion about what you are good at and what you can improve. Let your experiences guide you, not just others' words. Remember the sense of achievement that comes from climbing your own metaphorical mountains.
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Accept Failures: Failures are not the opposite of success; they are part of it. By accepting them as natural and necessary steps in development, you can build a more realistic self-confidence.
Finding your way back to your true self is a journey, but a valuable one. By freeing ourselves from the invisible chains that others’ opinions can create, we give ourselves the chance to flourish on our own terms. And it’s only when we are in touch with our authentic selves that we can truly begin to live our lives to the fullest.
By Chris...
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